THE PIZZA TOPPING TRIBUNAL

The Court of Final Toppings · sitting since 1996 · the Hon. Delphine Arcuri, Chief Justice

ALL RISE

The Court

This court hears disputes about what may be put on a pizza. It has no jurisdiction anywhere, over anyone. Its rulings are final in the sense that, once a ruling is given, we stop talking about it and order.

The court sits on Thursday evenings in the back room of a restaurant that has asked not to be named, before a jury of twelve, who are fed. Witnesses are heard. Toppings are examined, warm. The Chief Justice has presided since the first sitting and intends to preside until In re Pineapple is decided, which is to say, for good.

Notable Rulings

People v. Anchovy (1997)

ACQUITTED, 12–0

The jury was hungry. The court notes for the record that the defendant's saltiness was not, in itself, a crime, and that several members of the public gallery have still not forgiven the verdict.

In re Pineapple (1997–)

PENDING

Twenty-nine years of hearings. Fourteen hundred witnesses. Two hundred and twelve pizzas entered into evidence and eaten. The court is no closer. The court is not in a hurry. The court has begun to suspect that the case is not about pineapple.

Dunmore v. Pizza (2019)

DISMISSED — lack of standing

The petitioner, Mr. C. Dunmore, asked the court to recognize a glass of cold milk, served alongside, as a topping. The court notes the petitioner's sincerity, which was considerable, and his closing argument, which was a glass of milk placed on the bench without comment. The court drank it. That was not a ruling.

Dunmore v. Pizza — Brannigan, amicus curiae

BRIEF RECEIVED

In the matter above, Mr. T. Brannigan filed a friend-of-the-court brief arguing that "everything is a casserole if you're brave, including a pizza, including this court." The brief arrived with a casserole. The court took the brief under advisement and the casserole home.

Vantage v. Mushrooms (2021)

WITHDRAWN

Mr. L. Vantage petitioned to ban mushrooms "on the grounds that they are not handsome." The petition was withdrawn after the court asked for a photograph of the petitioner, for comparison. The petitioner said photographs were being handled professionally.

The Matter of the Folded Slice (2004)

NO JURISDICTION

Folding is a method, not a topping. The court declined to hear it and then, off the record, folded.

Ketchup (2001)

REFUSED

Some things are not for courts.

The complete record, including the cases the court would rather forget, is in the Full Docket.

Rules of Procedure

  1. Bring your own plate.
  2. Witnesses may testify with their mouths full. The clerk will interpret.
  3. No topping may be tried in its absence. It must be present, on a pizza, and warm.
  4. The jury is fed before deliberation, never after. (See People v. Anchovy for why the court regrets this rule and keeps it anyway.)
  5. Appeals are heard by the Tribunal itself, sitting hungrier.
  6. The Chief Justice's decision on the temperature of the evidence is final.

To file a matter, sign the gallery book with the topping, your argument in one sentence, and whether you will be bringing a pizza. Matters filed without a pizza are heard more slowly. Arguments about pineapple will be added to the record of In re Pineapple, which is where all arguments about pineapple go.

Disputes may also be aired, informally and without the jury, in #kitchen. Mr. Brannigan keeps an extra plate.